A Long Reflective Post

Happy New Year, everyone!

I try not to make a habit of being sentimental this time of year, as so happens with many people. Especially my parents, hehe. I understand why this season makes everyone a little emotional. After all, the Christmas season just passed and whether that was filled with high notes or low for you, the busyness can all be very emotionally demanding. And now we’re leaving behind another year, and looking at the net. I think the New Year is a time where most people reflect on the past and try to envision the future, and that too can be quite emotionally demanding.

I do think it’s important to reflect and to set goals, especially because at this point in my life, personal growth is becoming more and more of a priority. I just try to do it with a little less attachment to keep me grounded. There was a period a few years back where I would be very disappointed in myself because I didn’t accomplish as much as I wanted the previous year, and I ended up just dumping more goals on myself. Of course, that led to more disappointment the following year.

So I’ve been trying to keep my reflections and goals more reasonable this last couple of years.

Goodbye 2017

I am going over the list of goals I set at the beginning of last year and say how well I did with it. Looking at my list, I realize many of these were ambitious considering I was working through my masters degree in 2017. I think I owe myself some kindness since I was studying full-time until April, and then working full-time in an internship and studying part time until the end of December.

Create at least 1 completely coloured artwork every month

Fail. Completely failed! I started off great, but as the year progressed, I became increasingly unhappy with my sketches. So I didn’t even bother colouring them.

Finish the first draft of my story.

Accomplished! It’s a really crappy first draft, but at least I learned quite a lot about where the story needs to go.

Finish a second draft that involves a complete rewrite of my story.

Half accomplished. NaNoWriMo gave me an opportunity to rewrite my story halfway through, but I’m still working on the second-half of the rewrite.

Possibly send my story to a professional editor.

I haven’t even finished the rewrite, lol. Boy, was I ambitious.

Get As in all of my coursework.

The internship work and the entrepreneurial course are still being graded. Other than that, I got As in the courses I took during the coursework portion of the program. I died a little in my graphics class, but I still got that A. Minus. =P

Land myself in a good research internship in a company I like, doing work I’m passionate about.

Accomplished. =)

Read at least 1 book a month.

Accomplished. I surpassed my Goodreads reading target by 30%.

Be more patient.

Eh… these goals are harder to evaluate. I tried. I don’t think I quite succeeded. I felt quite harried this year, like a flag up on a high pole, under the whim of the wind. I was rushing from one thing to the next, and I don’t think that’s a sign of patience.

Meditate at least 5 minutes a day.

I think the previous goal should shed some light on how well I did with this one. Didn’t even get to do it.

Eat more healthily and exercise.

I think I did a pretty good job at this during the first third of the year. I was at home most of the time studying so I could exercise while I’m resting. When I started my internship, bumping my commute times to 3+ hours a day, my “rest” time has shrunk considerably. I come home and I am tired. What little time I have left went into trying to accomplish the goals I did manage to accomplish above.

Hello 2018

If there’s anything 2017 has taught me, it’s that I can accomplish a lot even during demanding times. But something I also learned is that I’m not always in the best state of mind and soul. I’m tired all the time even when I just sit all day at work. I’m impatient and cranky. It takes only a thing or two to get me feeling bummed out and burned out.

I find that my external goals haven’t changed that much. I’m still working on my art skills, I’m making strides in my story, I’m learning and growing in my career. But I think that even my external goals are affected by my internal state. When I’m lethargic and frustrated I just don’t get as much work done. I think everything I do is useless and I run out of energy and passion.

So for this year, I really want to focus on nourishing my internal self. Whether that means eating better, getting more exercise, or even just meditating a few minutes a day. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, but you all probably noticed that I don’t write on my blog very often. It’s because when I’m stressed or feeling bad about myself, I don’t want to share that publicly. Which is actually counter productive because it just makes me feel more alone. Most of my hobbies are solitary and so is my day job. This year I want to write just a little bit more to open up about myself so I don’t feel like I’m doing all of these alone.

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Merry Christmas!

Just a short post to wish you all a happy Christmas. I tend to whine a lot on the blog when it comes to my writing process, so I think it’s only fair to celebrate better times. And what’s better than Christmas time?

Wishing you all a joyful, blessed day!

That Manifesto Thing

Last week someone at work brought to my attention the Google Manifesto shenanigan over the previous weekend. As a woman in tech, I hear about things like this all the time, but I’m too caught up with other activities to respond to these things publicly. I try to be a positive person, so instead of dwelling on all the lame comments that peppered social media, I’m just going to focus on those who have rebutted the manifesto with much better articulation that I could ever have.

A Brief History of Women in Computing: What I love about this article is that it pointed out what I felt was the biggest problem in the Google Manfiesto. The manifesto presented several biological research and used it to try to justify why women could be less suited for computing. However, as this article points out, the jump was too big. The biological components pointed out may explain certain traits, but not how those traits exactly cause an interest (or lack thereof) in computing specifically. As it is, the manifesto (yes I read it) sounded like it was motivated by the author’s deeply held stereotypes about women and he tried to back up his beliefs retroactively. Additionally, the manifesto does not address how modern computing environments were shaped by men and optimized for their own behaviour. Because let’s face it: a profession’s environment affects its workers, while workers in turn affect the environment. The relationship is symbiotic. Several of the manifesto’s points pertain more to computing environments rather than the actual task. For example, it said that computing is a high-stress profession requiring less empathy and social interactivity. Is it possible that women, with their different biology, could thrive in a different, yet equally productive, computing environment? I don’t know, and I think it would be more productive to conduct research on it than to rely on stereotypes to make leaps in conclusion.

So, About this Googler’s Manifesto: What I like about this article is his explanation about how engineering isn’t an isolated endeavour. This was a misconception I had when I was younger, and it’s actually something that attracted me to the field, because I like doing solo work. I’ve grown out of that misconception though, and I love computer science enough to also appreciate its collaborative and social aspect.

Tech’s Damaging Myth of the Loner Genius Nerd: This article expands a little bit more on the misconception of engineering as a solo task. What’s even more important is that it points out one of the things that really annoy me in the Artificial Intelligence / Deep Learning sector today: engineers seem to be developing tools for things that I don’t think many people will use. Take for example, machines that beat other players in a very particular game. What is this doing for the world at large? For people who are not gamers? For people from low-income households or third-world countries? What is this doing for the environment, for our healths, for improving society in general? As a computer scientist, making a positive impact in the world is my life goal, and it can be puzzling to hear that advancements in my chosen concentration mostly serve such a tiny niche. Every week you hear about that new deep neural net that can now replace a writer or an artist, but how about helping marginalized creators reach the audience who want to read their work? When did voices of machines become more important than the voices of humans? Especially when you know that these machines have been trained on a very particular subset of work that are most likely mainstream already. This article explains a little bit more on why empathy might be the key to averting this trend.

Anyway, that’s all I have for now. Like I said, I don’t like to dwell on this kind of situations. If you have any article you’d like to share, let me know. Or if you have thoughts about computer science or AI and what you think they can do for society, let me know too!

Learning is Intangible

In this post, I’m going to focus for a moment on my full-time job. I know that this blog is mostly filled with my hobbies and personal projects so it might seem like those are the only things I do. However, a good chunk of my life actually revolves around my career in tech.

I started my internship as a data scientist at the beginning of the month. It’s my 2nd full-time job as a computer scientist, and in some ways, I cannot help but compare it to my 1st full-time job. I worked as a front-end software engineer for over two years in a smaller company. Both companies are great, filled with talented people I get along with. More importantly, at both companies I am doing work that I am passionate about even though they are different.

And that’s what I want to focus on in this post: the difference between my experience as a front-end software engineer from a small start-up(-ish) company, and my impression so far as a data science in a much, much larger company.

I knew that the work would be different. And yet, I think I naively assumed that the job would be similar enough that I could measure my productivity in the same way. In my old job, I knew I was being productive when I managed to finish my assigned tickets. Depending on the tasks, I could finish about five moderate bugs in a day; for new features, I could at least get some new code out to be reviewed within a day or two at most.

In my new job, the process is entirely different. We’re working in Kanban style, rather than sprints. My tasks are a little more vague. Instead of having a specific goal I could measure, like changing the header background from white to grey, or adding a pop-out to a link, I’m assigned tasks like visualizing the clusters of similar items. As you can see, this task is less measurable. For one thing, the end goal isn’t to just have a nice visualization, right? Underneath that statement, I know that my goal is also to analyze the visualization, to obtain insights from the clustering. And this means that I have to find out a clustering algorithm that can actually give me a good visualization; it means that I have to find the data that can work with such an algorithm; it means that I have to find a visualization that can actually give me insights. And in the end, how do I know if the insights are meaningful or not?

For the past four weeks, I have struggled a little with this vagueness. Yes, I know I could ask, but I get the impression that it’s also part of the job of a data scientist to figure out these things. Whenever I’m assigned a task, it’s no longer up to a product manager to break down that task for me. It’s up to me to figure out what’s involved in that process.

I think this is the biggest difference between my previous job and the current one. As a junior software developer, my job was to implement whatever the product managers told me to. This is in contrast with a research position, where my job is to discover what must be implemented.

I worry that I’m not being as productive as I can be, and my worries are compounded with the fact that I don’t actually know how to measure my productivity as a data scientist. Which leads me to this passage from The Lean Startup by Eric Ries.

When I worked as a programmer, that meant eight straight hours of programming without interruption. That was a good day. In contrast, if I was interrupted with questions, process, or — heaven forbid — meetings, I felt bad. What did I really accomplish that day? Code and product features were tangible to me; I could see them, understand them, and show them off. Learning, by contrast, is frustratingly intangible.

Wow. This book is required reading for my Technical Entrepreneurship course that runs alongside the internship. I don’t have much of an entrepreneurial spirit in me, but when I read this, I thought, “Aha! This is why this book is required reading!” I never realized what it was that bothered me as I started my career in data science, until I found this passage in the book. I could have never put it in a better way.

Learning, by contrast, is frustratingly intangible.

I realized much of what I do in my new job as a research intern is learning.  When you’re researching, what you’re doing is learning. You’re learning what works and what doesn’t. I was so used to measuring my productivity in terms of how much code I write or how many tasks I finished. Now I have to figure out a way to measure my productivity in terms of learning and the return value from what I learn.

Dilang Conflicted

I was reading DILA last night.

As a Canadian who feels as if it’s getting more and more difficult for me to continue practising my native tongue, I realized that I’ve grown afraid that one day the Tagalog language would not exist anymore. There aren’t many avenues for me to converse in it, because most Filipinos I know here (other than my parents) or on the internet either don’t want to talk in Tagalog, don’t know how to.

It’s strange, because living in Toronto where people are generally encouraged to know more than one language, I can’t help but feel so disheartened when I look at my country of origin and find that people are now becoming less and less inclined to use Filipino languages, in favour of English.

Okay, scratch that. I totally understand why they would want to do that. Filipino languages are suffering from lack of intellectualization, lack of prestige, and from continued erosion of importance in the global landscape.

I’m a proponent of the intellectualization and conservation of the languages in the Philippines. I know it might be difficult for some people to understand, since many think that language is only a means for communication. But as a writer, I know what words can do for someone. When you lose a language, you lose a way of expressing yourself, of constructing meaning from a unique cultural perspective. I can tell you right now that there are things I can express in Tagalog that English words could never fully convey.

As someone who is half Kapampangan and never learned the Pampango language, I know that my concern for Tagalog is not nearly as warranted as the concern for other Philippine languages, many of which are on the verge of extinction within the next 50 years. And I’m hoping that one day we can find a solution to this problem.

Many people in DILA propose that the official and national status of the Filipino language should be removed. Most of them suggest that we should just keep English as the official language, and that each ethnolinguistic region in the Philippines should just use their indigenous tongue.

Here’s where I feel really conflicted though. While I do support the usage and promotion of regional languages, I’m not sure if that goal is congruent or could even be achieved with an English-only official language. I feel that English, being a dominant global vernacular, has a penchant for relegating any of the Filipino languages to an inferior status. There are Filipinos right now raised in the country itself who can only speak English. If the official status of Filipino/Tagalog can’t even compete with that now, what difference would it make for other regional languages if Filipino/Tagalog’s official status is removed? Wouldn’t people inevitably still choose to learn English instead?

And… I think what saddens me most is how a lot of Filipinos would prefer to use English than use my native tongue. I know imperialistic Manila has not been fair. And I know that there are points in history that it had just been downright cruel. I’m not denying any of that. But I wonder why it is that people are more accepting of a foreign language than a fellow language indigenous to the islands of the country? Is it still colonial mentality? Is it that we just see English as superior to any of our fellow indigenous languages?

I know that using English as the sole official language would be the fairest solution. It’s fair because every Filipino language loses equally, and hence every Filipino language wins equally. But… isn’t that just a form of crab mentality? Is it really better if we’re all in the ditch rather than have one of us climb up?

Don’t get me wrong, I do think that the Manila-centric culture of the Philippines is very problematic right now. And I wish we can find a solution. I’m just trying to convey my concerns about the proposal of having English as the only official language. And maybe my concerns are misplaced, you know? Maybe with the right nurturing and grassroots movement, regional languages might actually flourish under this kind of policy. I guess I just need some reassurance that that would really happen, instead of English ending up scything over all of our languages in its buoyed prominence.

Anyway, this post is not meant to be antagonistic or challenging. It’s not meant to propose a solution, nor bash anyone who’s proposed a solution before. A lot of these feelings come from a singular perspective and experience, of course. I understand there’s a lot of things I probably don’t know. This is just a way for me to put words to my unease. But like I said, who knows? Maybe I’m worried for nothing. Maybe that’s really the way to go.

Filipino Tech Words?

In our generation, many people,especially teenagers,are not aware of some uncommon words in Filipino.That’s because of modern technologies and stuff.Today,Im gonna show you the 10 uncommonly used Filipino Words with meanings and correct usage in a sentence.So get your vocabularies up and read attentively. 1.Haynayan (Biology) -A branch of Science that deals with life. Example […]

via Ten Uncommonly Used Filipino Words — Site Title


I never knew! What a shame!

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

In the past, when I looked at stories I write or artworks I make, I sometimes feel so inadequate, and I have to remind myself that most of my experience is in the applied sciences. Lately, I experience those times more and more frequently. And as I grow older and I watch those my age become even better specialized at writing or at drawing or at programming, it’s getting harder not to feel even less adequate.

Since I went back to school for my Masters, I have found myself questioning whether I’m in the right field. I look around me at the people who have so much passion for computer science, who live and breathe computer science, who have hobbies related to computer science, and I wonder if my place is really among them. But I wonder about the writers and the artists who live and breathe stories and art, and likewise have hobbies related to their respective fields. If I had pursued a career in writing or art, would computer science then be my hobby and would I still feel out of place among these different set of peers? It’s easy to imagine that that would be the case.

I don’t think there was ever a time in my life where I thought about a certain activity as something that I could do 24/7. Even writing, which I had been doing since I was 8, is something I cannot do all day every day. I’ve always been interested in many things, and some of those interests I have less aptitude for than others. For example, even though I liked writing a lot, growing up, I did much better in math at school than English. Of course, it doesn’t mean that I have “natural talent” in math or anything — I’ve stopped believing in talent for some time now. I did well just because my parents pressured me into studying very hard at math.

I guess I’m just one of those people who can’t do one thing all the time. Saying that out loud makes it sound so common. I mean, of course! Nobody can do one thing all the time. But as someone whose time is divided into pursuing very different things, I can’t help but feel like I’m lagging behind those who seems to just concentrate on one activity.